How to assert yourself without being aggressive in a relationship

3 Ways to Be Assertive in a Relationship - wikiHow

how to assert yourself without being aggressive in a relationship

Learn about the importance of assertiveness in relationships, or the quality of being able to stand up for yourself without being aggressive. In a nutshell, assertiveness is an interpersonal skill in which you As you become more assertive, your relationships will become more enjoyable. others to recognize what they need and want without having to say a word. Assertiveness, or what most people would call "standing up for Here are seven signs that you may not be being assertive in a relationship; the behavior with passive aggression in an attempt to express yourself without the.

But with practice in small and manageable situations, you can teach yourself to become more assertive and self-empowered. We all need a little assertiveness training, and knowing how to become more assertive can be a huge benefit in your personal and professional lives. You might have difficulty asserting yourself in all relationships, or it might be with one person in particular.

Write down these situations so you have a reference point. Define the meaning of assertive. What are the emotions you have around speaking up for yourself or asking for what you want?

What do you fear? What do you doubt about yourself? What is the worst thing you think might happen if you speak up? Dig deep and try to get to the root cause of your lack of confidence and fears. You are simply reacting to your history and your life experiences. Most of the time, the powerful feelings we have around being assertive have little basis in reality. When you shine the spotlight of truth on these feelings, you can diminish them and remove some of the mental roadblocks keeping you from speaking up.

how to assert yourself without being aggressive in a relationship

For example, you might fear speaking up because you could get rejected. If you are rejected, could you survive it? But can you tolerate this discomfort for a short time? Will the discomfort kill you?

Is the short-term discomfort better or worse than the long-term pain of holding back? Taking small assertive and confident actions will help you feel better about yourself and your worthiness. Define what you want. Be able to state in one clear sentence what you want to communicate.

Here are some examples: I want us to take turns deciding on the restaurant and movie. I want to apply for the position of creative director. I disagree with your position on that. Then practice making the statement in front of the mirror to make sure your expression and body language match the confidence of your statement. Know what to expect. People can get mad, argue with you, put you down, or reject you. It can be distressing and painful to have these encounters. It could be a new job or a pay raise.

It might be the intimacy and trust in your marriage. It could be any number of positive benefits you could enjoy if you permit temporary discomfort.

10 Of The Best Ways To Be More Assertive

The reactions you receive will depend greatly on the other person or people involved. You may need to manage the timing of your statement or request based on the temperament of the person. Consider in advance how they might respond, and be prepared with a follow-up statement to support your reasoning. This is especially true if you are being assertive on the job, as you need to back up your actions or statements with proof or evidence.

You have some relationships in which the other person deserves being informed about your new, more assertive frame of mind. Initiate a conversation with your spouse, partner, friend, or even your boss, in which you kindly but firmly acknowledge your past mindset and share your decision to be more assertive in the future.

Mention how assertive communication not only makes you a happier, more confident person but also how it will positively impact them. When you let others know how you want to be treated, they will generally rise to the occasion.

Proactive communication and dialog are essential in any relationship. Even as you work toward becoming more assertive, use good judgment and discretion. If your spouse is in the midst of a big project, now is not the time to ask for an intimate conversation. All relationships involve a certain amount of give and take as well as the ability to be discerning about timing and setting.

How to Be Assertive Without Being Aggressive | Personal Excellence

Practice in manageable situations. As you begin the practice of being more assertive, keep a journal in which you document your efforts, your emotions around your efforts, and the responses of other people. Give yourself a score from one to ten after every assertiveness encounter, with ten being completely uncomfortable and one being totally confident. You just need enough confidence in who you are and what you want in order to speak up in spite of fear or discomfort.

Maybe they see this issue being called out and they know that if this happens to them or they see this happening to others, how they should behave. And then over time, you start to become resentful. Some of us may still give our best performance but this underlying resentment will naturally seep in and cause certain negative behaviors or passive-aggressive behaviors.

Relationship And then in a relationship setting. That naturally will cause unhappiness. Advertisement I have some questions for you. Will I be depriving myself of my needs by keeping quiet? If your answer is yes to any of the above, there is value in asserting your voice and other people can gain something out of this.

Like someone who is very very confident and sure of themselves, constantly asserting themselves. Then, a different approach is necessary, where you need to weigh out the pros vs. I share more about this in my article, How to Choose Your Battles, that you can read at personalexcellence. But it never comes up. Clearly, when you passively wait for the context to appear, it may not work in your favor. Proactively create that context and make it happen. Arrange for a one-to-one meeting, like a minute time with your boss.

You are also being polite by asking this question. How my client asserted herself to her mom I have a recent client who shared with me about how her mom kept nagging about her relationship status. So this happened to my client and she had been going through this for a long time where her mom just kept bringing this up once a month, twice a month.

She felt really imposed and maybe even oppressed by this. My client had never overtly mentioned to her mom about how oppressed she felt whenever she nagged her about her relationship status and told her to get married.

So here, applying this tip to create the right context to speak. One way is to simply mention it during a private conversation. When both of them are alone at home and they are not occupied with something. A second way could be the next time her mom talks about this topic, which she does every few weeks, this can be a great context to air her thoughts. Because at this point her mom would be in that zone of talking about this topic, asking her to get married, etc.

So her mind is in this space. This would be the perfect time for my client to step in and share how she actually feels, and of course in a non-confrontational way. A lot of this comes from the face-saving culture in Asia.

how to assert yourself without being aggressive in a relationship

I do all of these in private as much as possible, so one-to-one via email or in person as opposed to a group. How I deal with negative course participants Sometimes in my courses — and this is really rare — but sometimes I have participants who are being strange or disruptive.

Maybe they are giving a lot of strange comments or disrupting the flow of the course. Or perhaps making it difficult for other participants to concentrate or get the best value from the course. I would not call them out in the open because this is not face-saving. The recipient may feel shamed or embarrassed; they may also feel shocked.

It prevents them from being able to receive the message in the best way. How is she or she feeling? This works well for me and it always achieves the best outcome.

how to assert yourself without being aggressive in a relationship

Because it allows me to better understand that individual on a personal level and to intervene and provide solutions on how this can be resolved. So this is a win-win situation because: It allows me to tend to the individual specifically. So, an example of a You-statement versus an I-statement. You are spending too much time with your friends and your work.

Here there are three differences. An I-statement is where you own the statement and opinion. When you use an I-statement, you are sharing what you think and letting others decide what they want to do. You are doing that. You should do that. When you use an I-statement, you acknowledge that the issue may lie with us. So when you use an I-statement, the receiver is less likely to feel attacked or intimidated. Both of you can focus on the problem at hand. Exercise to monitor your communications I have an exercise for you.

How To Be More Assertive (10 Ways To Assert Yourself With Confidence)

In fact, You-statements are great for building a personal connection or for positive praise and feedback. I-statements are more helpful because you are owning this feedback versus attacking the other person.

You are always doing what you want without regard for my needs. Sometimes I wish you can stop making so many demands and start thinking about me for the first time. On the other hand, using an I-statement where you focus on sharing your emotions and your thoughts — it can sound something like this: I find very hard to manage things by myself and I really try my best.

I love you and I want to be there for you. So the next time you need to assert yourself, be it in a conflict or workplace setting, how can you use the I-statement as opposed to the You-statement? The intent of this tip is similar to the feedback sandwich method that I share in my article on constructive criticism.

When you focus on the positive, it opens the conversation on a good note. You may even end up attacking that person while making yourself heard.

An example could be: I was wondering if you could advise me on the priority areas in my workplan so I can work on them with priority. I appreciate any help and advice you can give and I look forward to your response. You are being honest. You are outlining the problem and being clear on the help you need. Have you guys dealt with such people before? A You-statement can sound like this: This is not the first time. When can you send this to me?

It focuses on the negative, on the past track record of what the person did wrongly, and also frustration. Are you facing any trouble doing it?