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John Gottman can listen to a couple for 5 minutes and determine, with workshops have half the relapse rate that standard therapy provides. Home Relationships Friendships 8 research-backed ways to build friendships that matter . Student Guidance Counselors. located in Retrieved from https:// Retrieved from http://www. Ellison, S. F., & Mullin, W. P. Racial bias in the manageremployee relationship.

In addition, a study of 10, seniors at Yale University showed that loners were twice as likely to die from all causes over a five-year period as those who enjoyed close friendships. But what makes them work? What makes them fail? Why do some spark and others fade? And that, frankly, is kinda terrifying. Luckily, there is someone who knows… Dr. John Gottman, professor emeritus of psychology at University of Washington, is the guy when it comes to relationships. Gottman discovered the key element that makes relationships fly or die.

At the Gottman Institute they bring couples in and watch them talk to one another. Researchers study the content of the conversations and then track how the relationships fare over time.

So what did the successful couples talk about? Did they discuss happy things? Did they resolve problems? Did they talk about things they had in common? Turns out successful couples discuss… The same boring crap everyone does.

There was nothing special at all about the content of their conversations… So what gives? But this is what led to a big discovery by Gottman. What was beneath the words. And whether their partner was paying attention, being responsive, and being supportive. But after many months of watching these tapes with my students, it dawned on me. If you could carefully observe and analyze those encounters—as my research colleagues and I have done—you would see how each one is made up of many smaller exchanges.

Like cells of the body or bricks of a house, such exchanges are the primary components of emotional communication. Each exchange contains emotional information that can strengthen or weaken connections between people. So how much of what we say is really about the information? They can see what you can see. Are you glad to be here with me? Do you care about me too? Do you want to spend time with me?

The 4 Most Common Relationship Problems — And How To Fix Them

Those bids and how we respond to them are the cornerstone of relationships. To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my bestselling book here.

Sometimes we kinda know this but more often we forget. We get wrapped up in the literalness of it all. And it turns out the bid underneath the words is what really matters. So bids are crucial. But how do they work? Looks just like yesterday.

If you want to nurture a deeper emotional connection with somebody, turn toward that person as often as you can. Turning toward means agreeing, supporting or at least acknowledging the bid.

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Children who habitually turn toward their playmates form friendships more easily. Siblings who turn toward one another early on are more likely to stay close for life. Coworkers find it easier to collaborate on projects.

Married couples and other pairs have fewer conflicts. Turning toward leads to fewer conflicts, because the partners in a relationship are having the conversations they need to have—the conversations where they demonstrate their interest and concern for each other.

Turning against a bid is giving a belligerent or argumentative reply. And turning away is ignoring the bid or replying with something unrelated. My research shows that habitually turning away can eventually destroy relationships. By watching relationships over time, my colleagues and I have seen that the dismissed bidder typically gets fed up.

He or she starts complaining to and criticizing the person who turns away, leading to a pattern of attack and defend. To learn the four most common relationship problems and how to fix them, click here. The trouble lies with identifying bids and knowing what the other person needs to hear to feel emotionally connected to you.

So how do we get better at that? Bids can be subtle. And they vary based on the person and the context.

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Yes, this can be annoying. We want to protect our feelings and our ego — but we all also require emotional validation. And much more frequently than we think. So bids are often deliberately vague with a healthy dose of plausible deniability.

There is no magic, conflict-free relationship.

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So how do you fight right? Where should we start? How about at the beginning? Sounds obvious but we all do it. And women do it a lot more than men. Again, the findings suggest that starting with attack is less likely to result in nondefensive or empathic listening.

Accusing them of being a demonspawn succubus forged from an unholy pact in the darkest pits of the netherworld is, shall we say, less-than-constructive.

Happy couples presented issues as joint problems, and specific to one situation. This is the perspective that couples on their way to Splitsville take. Partners in unhappy relationships saw it as their responsibility to help their partners become better people. Then it becomes our responsibility to point out to our partners how they can become better human beings. They need us to point out their mistakes. We expect them to be grateful to us for our great wisdom.

In miserable relationships our habit of mind is to focus on our own irritability and disappointment, and to explain to our partners how they are responsible for these miserable feelings we have. To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my bestselling book here. Your body plays a big part… Stay Calm I know, easier said than done.

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But this is huge. The ability to stay physically calm during conflict showed the biggest correlation with relationship happiness of anything Gottman tested.

How To Solve Relationship Problems: 5 Secrets From Research - Barking Up The Wrong Tree

I recall a landmark phone call in my life from Bob asking me if I had ever obtained high correlations in the. Did you notice the wording there? You have trouble listening, empathizing and problem solving.

In the context of relationship conflict, DPA has big psychological effects. And this is a bigger problem for men. And once physiologically worked up, it takes them longer to return to baseline. Oxytocin, in her study, decreased noradrenaline levels for women, but not for men. Once the stress hormones are hitting the bloodstream at firehose speed, Gottman says constructive, empathetic discussion is impossible. So what do you do?

So Gottman recommends taking a minute break. To learn the two-word morning ritual that will make you happy all day, click here. So maybe you manage to stay all Zen. Stay Positive Yeah, sounds obvious. You want a ratio of five positive comments for every negative one. The ratio of positive to negative affect during conflict in stable relationships is 5: Even in the midst of arguments, the successful couples Gottman studied frequently sprinkled in positive statements like: In fact, a little bit is necessary.

You yell and then they yell louder and then you yell even louder until the windows are vibrating and the pets are cowering beneath the couch.