My Husband Flirts and Thinks It’s No Big Deal | Laura Doyle
Why do committed people flirt? When should a committed person (or their partner ) become concerned that flirting has gone too far? This article. MORE than a third of Australians admit to lying about receiving flirty text messages in a bid to avoid unwanted suitors. Bryan Belenson walks us through the often-grey areas of "harmless" flirting. ability of disrespecting or hurting your significant other, then it's not harmless at all.
But what you refer to as a mood boost is actually an ego trip. Imagine that your family is allotted just enough food to feed everyone, but before you divide up your family's allotment, you skim off a significant portion of some of the best food and squirrel it away for yourself. You justify this by telling yourself that you need this extra food to keep yourself feeling good, which benefits your whole family. Then, when your family starts to show signs of malnutrition, you blame your wife.
What you're doing with your flirt buddy is no different. In a marriage, you're supposed to share your resources with your family. But you're secretly diverting away the best of what you have to offer and lavishing it on yourself.
Because you think you deserve more than everyone else. Your ego is the problem. Your wife is at a competitive disadvantage. Comparing your wife to your flirt buddy isn't fair.
Out of the three of you, your wife is the only one who does not realize there's a competition going on. Remember when the two of you mutually decided to stop shopping around and commit to each other? Your wife took you at your word. But now you're secretly playing by a different set of rules. You're out there sizing up melons and squeezing the Charmin.
She's not comparing you to other men who are sending her flirty signals; she's focused on you and the kids. If you're really interested in having a marriage that is satisfying, you have to play by the same rules. Otherwise, your relationship is fundamentally unfair. Your wife looks way better and you look way worse than you realize. You and your flirt buddy don't see each other nearly as often as you and your wife do--and when you and your flirt buddy see each other, it's under much more favorable conditions.
It's easy to be alluring for little snippets of time. You may not realize it, but your wife looks every bit as enticing to other people who only see her in limited situations like the ones in which you see your flirt buddy. When you live with someone you have to give each other permission to be real people--and real people have morning breath, get food stuck in their teeth, and occasionally come down with the stomach flu.
Your spouse doesn't judge you for wearing those dingy boxers to bed every night; but I'll bet if your flirt buddy saw you in those you'd get a much frostier reception. Your actions will lead to a physical affair. If you are rationalizing an outside intrigue, your ego has already caused you to cross a line.
- Relationship Warning: 4 Signs That Your 'Flirting' Is Flirting With Cheating!
- Flirting With Disaster: How Your 'Harmless' Intrigue Is Undermining Your Marriage
- My Husband Flirts and Thinks It’s No Big Deal
Once that line has been crossed, it's that much easier to rationalize your actions as they escalate into a physical relationship. And even without physical intimacy, emotional intimacy can be every bit as damaging to your marriage.
You might not end up having a full-blown affair with your current flirt buddy, but your behavior has set you on a course that is destined to result in an affair sooner or later. And when married people have affairs, things don't just get messy, they get disastrous. So, if you currently have a flirt buddy, what should you do? I'm glad you asked. The answer is really very simple.
You need to decide if you a want to be married, or b want to be divorced. In case that's not clear enough, let me dumb it down a little further: Obviously, option a is the simplest way to go.
All it requires is that you make the choice not to take your energy and put it into outside intrigues.
Flirting With Disaster: How Your 'Harmless' Intrigue Is Undermining Your Marriage | HuffPost Life
And this really is a choice. Just as your wife chooses not to be open to others' advances when she comes across them in her daily life, so can you. Then, take all that chemistry that you've been channeling to your flirt buddy and reroute it back to its rightful owner: Buy into your relationship enough to develop inside jokes with her. Be into her to the point that you send her flirty texts when you're apart. Care enough about her to pick up a pack of her favorite gum on your way home from work.
Value spending time with her enough to justify having lunch with her during the week rather than just seeing her when you both get home at the end of a long day. And when you have the opportunity to do any of these things with a potential new flirt buddy, don't. If you are convinced that your wife is part of the problem or even the entire problem and it's not simply a matter of choosing to feed your marriage rather than feeding an outside intrigue, then in addition to pulling the plug on your outside interest, you should power up some honest and constructive communication with your wife about what's wrong with your relationship.
If your efforts to improve your marriage fail, that doesn't justify picking up where your left off with your flirt buddy; it means you either keep trying until you either succeed or conclude that your marriage is not fixable, at which point you should proceed with getting a divorce.
But if option a doesn't sound right for you, then you're left with option b -- getting a divorce. Fortunately, you can restore your confidence, get the respect you deserve and preserve the passion, all at the same time. Click To Tweet 1.
When I learned that my husband had looked up three ex-girlfriends on Facebook, it gave me pause. I remember wondering why he would do that. I was afraid he might reconnect with one of them and renew their relationship. If I kept going, I could worry that would lead to him cheating or abandoning me for someone else. Or your fear might be something else entirely. After all, he had looked them up after decades of being out of touch, so clearly they had crossed his mind.
Relationship Warning: 4 Signs That Your 'Flirting' Is Flirting With Cheating! | HuffPost Life
First of all, I heard about this offense from him sharing it with me. There was no sense of secrecy about it. But even if he did reconnect with those women in some way, I know that my husband is committed to me.
Asking yourself whether your fear is realistic is a great way to stop feeling bad when your husband compliments another woman or uses a sweeter-than-usual voice to greet a female coworker. This is also a good time to remind yourself that despite the jolt of adrenaline that comes up when you hear him sounding flirtatious, you are safe.
You can choose your faith over your fear by deciding not to give him the stink eye, for example. Instead, you could show him that you expect the best outcome, not the worst. Of course you would want to do everything in your power to avoid that painful experience.
My fears are completely realistic.
7 ways to deal with a partner who loves to flirt with others
The more you focus on trying to get him to stop flirting with other women, the more your husband will feel constricted, controlled and criticized. The more he feels that way, the greater his urge to be the master of his own destiny.The Dead South - In Hell I'll Be In Good Company
Humans are contrary like that. This is true of all control, not just control around flirting. When I tried to control him by making endless spreadsheets showing who was responsible for what housekeeping so he could see all the duties he was shirkingall I got was wall-to-wall hostility—not the gleaming bathroom and dust-free shelves I wanted. So guess what happened because I tried to control him? I became an exhausted kitchen elf who had to do everything myself.
In other words, my control had the opposite effect of the one I wanted.