The Japanese and love — more complicated than you think | The Japan Times
For starters, the husband-wife relationship in one country is often a very concentrated example of more general relations in that country. What's. KOREAN MOTHER didn't accept me. My Korean husband talks about our relationship and my IN LAWS / AMWF - Duration: Joanna Married people, marriage relationship, husband and Asian wife at home. Early morning with tired man getting ready with business dress and Japanese woman .
Japanese blogger Madame Riri recently posted an article exploring this issue by sharing the stories of men who were asked to described the reasons they divorced their Japanese wives. First, practical issues concerning family and money played a large role in their decisions. He tried to please his wife by buying a nice house, car, and going on overseas vacations. According to him, although cultural misunderstandings were present in his marriage, they were not the root cause for divorce because he and his wife were both aware of and accepted the differences.
Instead, it all boiled down to logistics: Either I would have to bring my parents to Japan or my wife would have to bring her parents to Virginia. The man remarks that he and his ex-wife still love each other, but cannot be together due to the circumstances. Our hearts go out to you… Like any other couple in the world, issues surrounding children can either make or break a relationship.
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They had once dated in the past, but the relationship eventually became strained due to their different ways of thinking and separate values, especially regarding work. However, after a period of 12 years, they have started dating again, only to be met with opposition from both families: His parents feel the same way. Things have spiraled down to the point where my wife and I are discussing whether or not she will take the children back with her to Japan.
If we split, the reason will be due to the absence of sex in our marriage. My wife seems to have lost all of her sex drive, although I still have mine.
Foreign men share their reasons for divorcing Japanese wives - Japan Today
When all of those friends were getting divorced, I should have realized what was going to happen. Many people blame their failed international marriage on cultural differences, but in our case it was simply avoiding responsibility on both of our ends.
But show me a Japanese couple where either spouse can lightly toss off lines like, "You're wrong," or "Why do you make such a mistake? Advertisement When I was teaching conversation classes all day or all eveningone of my favorite homework assignments to give out was the question, "Would you rather hear your spouse say, 'I love you' or 'I respect you'?
But the one answer that came back over and over was that they felt they could never love their spouse if they didn't first respect them.
I suppose there's a bit of that in American marriages, too, but it's been my experience that all people Japanese and non-Japanese alike go through better and worse times in their lives, and it's much easier to respect them when they're doing well than when things aren't going so well. So sometimes I felt bold enough to follow up on this question. Among my students, not all respected their spouses, and counterintuitively, among those who didn't respect their spouses, more than a few reported that they loved their spouses anyway.
Foreign men share their reasons for divorcing Japanese wives
This kind of conversation class was psychotherapy for more than a few. You'll almost never hear a Japanese person tell his or her spouse, "I love you. But you'd be sadly mistaken if you took this to mean that Japanese don't deeply, strongly, sometimes desperately, love their families.
So the chance to admit in front of others that they honestly did love their spouses was self-revelation and often liberation for many of my students. Expressing something obliquely, obscurely, even as a tangential aside is usually the preferred style among Japanese. This goes back to their aversion to confront others, of course. But there is also a greater punch in compliments and in insults from forcing the recipients to think things through by themselves. If you think you might like to use this technique yourself among Japanese, fair warning: You're playing with dynamite.
Get the slightest nuance wrong in a roundabout compliment and you can make an enemy. I turned this on myself once in my family when I once won an important distinction on the job.
She and my wife are still laughing at me for saying that, eight years after the fact. Advertisement So if strong reluctance to confront, to say something pleasant or unpleasant directly to a spouse is evidence of a successful marriage in Japan, what positive actions do you look for?
What is it that Japanese are doing instead of refusing to do that signals a healthy marital relationship?
Here, I think the universals apply more than the particulars; what's true in other cultures is probably even more significant here. A successful marriage in Japan has two partners who are attentive to their significant others. Most Japanese would much rather that you showed them how you felt than told them.
Holding the door, handing an umbrella, offering your seat on a train or bus, reaching for a packet of tissues when someone else sneezes—these little signs of attention you pay to someone else carry much more weight than anything you could ever say in Japan. If a Japanese person asks you to treat your relationship well, he really means it!
This is why some actions most Americans take for granted strike Japanese as incredibly gallant or mistakenly as amorous.